. . . this job is hard.
I love the kids.
I love the activity.
I love my colleagues.
I love traveling.
I love the adventure.
Until the occasional moment when I absolutely hate it. Isn't that odd?
I realize I'm lucky that I am comfortable and secure in my job - both teaching and coaching - and that 98% of the time, I'm so happy to be getting paid for something I love to do. But there was about an hour yesterday when I was SO FUCKING OVER IT. I was ready to dump the kids on the side of the road, take the Sunday tournament money, kick my mini-van rental into high gear, and go buy shoes and liquor. It was about a 5 second fantasy. Then I had to quit being pissed off and figure out how to lead by example.
That's the really, really hard part of this job. These students come to us as young adults, but really, they don't know much about being an adult. (Hell, I'm still figuring that out.) Part of competing in forensics is learning adult life lessons - things like being aware of how our behaviors affect others, being gracious, controlling our tempers, being grateful for opportunities, and learning to be honest.
I'm a flawed human who struggles with these very issues, and is just trying every day to be a better person. I'm inspired by many, many people around me, and I hope that in being a better person, I can lead by example. But I absolutely hate remembering that when I'm really pissed off.
So yesterday, I found a quiet corner that contained an ashtray, and spent 15 minutes breathing in the disgusting, yet familiar, smell of wet, used-up cigarettes. No, I didn't smoke (Duh, non-smoker - remember?) but the solitude was what I needed to let go of my irritation, fashion a script in my head that would change the direction of my pissed off psyche, and to just breathe.
Today, I'm back to loving the job. Every minute of it. Because some days . . . well, some days are easy.