Sunday, March 17, 2013

It's not you, it's me.

Dear Blog:
     I've been intentionally ignoring you. I'm sorry.

Have you ever been in a situation where you do something because it makes others happy, but makes you not-so-happy? One of my forensics kids (let's call him "Alan") asked if he would ever get to meet Joe. I joked that I had made him up - Joe was a figment of my imagination. Alan replied, "Oh, you made him up so we would stop feeling sorry for you!" Ha Ha Ha.

Wait. What?

I know that Alan was joking. I know that I was joking and laughed along. But then I had a huge, scary, sobering thought . . . Is that why I'm still dating Joe? Am I pressuring myself to feel something for Joe because I'm tired of getting pity for being single?


There is some truth here. There is a lot of truth here.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

I am surrounded by loving, amazing family and friends. I know they want to see me happy. I know they don't understand my contentment in being single. I know they want me to find someone so I'm not alone anymore. I really, really want to find a significant other who makes my life fuller, happier, richer - and I am not interested in settling for less than that.

And here's where it gets tricky. . . The past several years of casual, part-time dating have made me realize just how rare it is to find a "normal" guy. Joe is normal! He's emotionally available, he's polite and well groomed, he has a stable job, he owns his own home, he's a good parent. There is a part of me that thinks, "Hey! This is what you've been wanting! Someone normal!" But there is another, stronger (crazier?) part of me that knows normal isn't enough. If there were a "real" connection with Joe, I wouldn't be stressed when he's coming over - I would be excited. Logically, on paper, Joe should be a great match. But the reality is that he isn't. And I can't quite explain why. It really is a case of "It's not you, it's me."

Today, Joe came to Eau Claire. We watched a movie, went out to eat, I took him on a driving tour of EC. And the whole time I felt like I was just waiting for him to leave. It's my spring break and Joe took some time off work and the plan was (is?) to spend most of the week together. I don't want to. And here's where it gets even trickier . . . I want to end things with Joe, but have no idea how to go about it. Or when to do it. I don't know how to play the role of "bad guy." I'd like to have the courage to go to Joe's house on Tuesday, and have a face-to-face conversation about ending things. I need to be able to tell Joe that it's nothing he did or didn't do. I need to tell him it's me, not him. But I am scared. I'm scared he will feel blindsided. I'm scared he will hate me. I'm scared he will be indifferent. I'm scared I will chicken out. I'm scared of rejecting someone who should be a "good thing."

But I'm more scared of settling for someone who doesn't make my life fuller, happier, richer.

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