Dumb

Today I have successfully completed 3 tasks: 1) I did my taxes. 2) I got our new forensics treasurer set up on the checking account. 3) I did dishes.

This shouldn't be newsworthy. But my get-up-and-go has gone-off-and-left. So accomplishing even one task made me happy. Three tasks? Ecstatic! So what's my problem? I have no idea. There is a part of me that thinks there may be some depression rearing it's ugly head. I usually fight with it this time of year, and blame the short days. This year I think it's worse because I'm still having anxiety issues.

And ya'll - Anxiety is dumb dumb dumb. It makes me feel dumb. Because logically, I can reason through things. But the anxiety makes it nearly impossible to find my logic. Example? I am terrified nearly every! single! day! that when I come home from work I will find I either have frozen pipes or my house will be flooded from a burst pipe. Some days I don't want to leave the house because I feel like if I stay here, nothing will happen. Other days, I don't want to come home because I'm terrified of what I will find. NONE of these thoughts are logical. And as I sit here writing this, I am reminded of just how ridiculous the scenarios are. But when I am in the moment with them, I can't find my way out of them.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why I'm in therapy. I had my first appointment this week, and like my therapist, B, very much. It's funny, though - I like the idea of therapy, but find the practice of it to be weird. B has suggested that when I realize I'm obsessing over something to yell "STOP!" in my head and distract myself with something else. So far, I've managed to recognize an obsessive episode just once while it was happening (after the fact, I can point them out, but have trouble recognizing them when they are happening.) I was at home and actually yelled "STOP!" out loud and scared the crap out of the cats. Their reactions made me laugh so hard that they distracted me from the anxiety-producing thought. So, I guess it worked?

It pisses me off that I can't make my brain work the way I want it to. It's irritating that I have to "work" at having a brain that doesn't get caught in a loop of anxiety. It makes me feel weak and needy - two feelings that I absolutely hate.

Tomorrow, my goal is to again accomplish 3 tasks. First, however, I'll have to get out of bed in the morning. And sometimes that is the most difficult task of all.