Monday, June 17, 2013


I've been feeling down. Sad. Blue. And I'm not sure why.

It could be that I'm still dealing with pain. It comes and goes. One day my neck will hurt, the next day it's my hands, the day after that I can barely walk because my toes won't bend. It makes me frustrated. And whiny.

I could be blue because I am so damn tired. I started on Humira a month ago. For my psoriatic arthritis, which is wreaking havoc on my spine, especially. I think it is working because the psoriasis on my skin is clearing some. And my neck doesn't constantly hurt. But I'm finding Humira makes me so stinking tired. I'm sleeping 10 hours a night, and don't have the energy to do much during the day. Today I mowed the lawn and did the dishes. Then I had to take a nap.

Right now my lower spine is killing me. The place where the spine and hip bones connect - it feels like I'm being stabbed. Stretching helps for a minute, but then the pain is back. Yes, I caved and took a Vicodin. I just need it to kick in.

I'm blue because I want to sell this house and move into an apartment where I don't have to be responsible for anything except paying rent. Except the title (it's a mobile home, so it has a title - weird, right?) is in my ex-husband and my name. I never got it switched after we were divorced. And I can't get a straight answer on how to get the title in my name. It makes me tired.

I'm blue because in the summer I have time to miss my family who live 9 hours away. I will visit for 2 weeks in August, but I'm a little bitter and sad that they never (!) come visit me.

I'm blue because of the mountain of reading ahead of me. No, that's not quite right. I quite enjoy reading literature and trying to find interp ideas for forensics kids. What makes me blue is that I fell in love with pieces last year (and the year before, and the year before that) and won't get to see them/work with them/critique them again. It's the circle of Forensics life and I think it's even sadder than a dead lion.

I'm blue because I don't have cable and I miss food porn. The Food Network.

I'm blue because I'm reading "The Heart Has Reasons" which chronicles brave Dutch people who hid Jews during the Holocaust. It takes my breath away that there can be such kindness in the midst of such choking oppression.

I'm blue because my iris are all blooming and are so beautiful, but in a week will all be gone. Some of them were pilfered from my mum's iris garden. Which makes me miss her even more.

I'm tired of being blue. I'm ready for another color.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry you're blue. I wish you were the shade of the Blue Men Group, or a Smurf. My only suggestions are:

    Short term: Go get cable back. I had to stop reading and take a deep breath when I saw that you are trying to life without The Food Network.

    Long term: Set a goal of 7/7 to get the right info and change the title, set a goal of 9/9 to finish moving in to the apartment. (Or consider owning or renting a condo - that's what we do and the neighbors are better and quieter than apartment neighbors.)

    Best always, KJ.