Wednesday, October 30, 2013

All the Feelings

Got the official news this morning that my beloved Kia Sportage is a total loss. I wasn't surprised, but I was kind of sad. It's funny, the memories we associate with objects. My Sportage introduced me to Sirius radio, proved I could survive being vomited on, and carried my cats to Ohio for the first time. Most importantly, it protected me. I'm so grateful for that, and very sad that I'm going to reward the Sportage by having the insurance guy sell it for scrap. Sad. That was the first feeling of the day.

Surprise was the second feeling. The insurance company is offering more money for the loss than I was expecting. This means that after the car loan is paid off, I'll have a tiny bit left to use as a down payment on a new car. Surprise was a good feeling.

The third feeling of the day was frustration. My pain isn't getting better, it's getting worse. Because this was freaking me out (technically, the fourth feeling of the day) I scheduled an appointment to see my GP. He confirmed I have bruising and swelling (duh) and that it would probably last a while. It has a fancy medical name: costocondritis. He said it could be several weeks before I start feeling relief. Fantastic.

As we reached the end of the appointment, he asked me how my "emotional bruises" were doing. Enter feeling #5: overwhelmed. I hiccuped trying not to cry, but that really hurt, so I gave in and went straight to the ugly cry. God bless Dr. L - he didn't even bat an eye, just grabbed the tissue box and handed it to me. He reassured me that my physical and psychological reactions were "normal," made sure I had a support system in place and told me to go home and rest as much as possible.

Feeling #6 occurred in the parking lot. I couldn't start the freaking rental car - couldn't get the key to turn. Now, it's been over a year since I've had to deal with a key - my Sportage has had a key less ignition, but seriously, how hard could it be? I was so MAD I couldn't turn the key, start the car and just be home already. I had to call the rental company and ask them what I was doing wrong. Boy did I feel stupid (feeling #7) to learn I just had to move the steering wheel to unlock the ignition.

Finally, I was home. And the roller coaster ride of the last 5 days came to a head, and I just fell apart. I called my mum and ugly cried. The kind of cry you can only share with your mum. And even though she's 500 miles away, there was so much comfort in just talking to crying to her. I think she would have gotten in her car and driven the 9 hours to Wisconsin if I'd asked. I was crying out of fear (#8) and loss (#9) and embarrassment (#10) and confusion (#11) being overwhelmed by choices (#12) and loneliness (#13) Like I said, it was an ugly cry. Once I had calmed down enough to speak in coherent sentences and promised mum I'd talk with her later, I took some pain meds, put on pajamas and snuggled into the comfiest place on earth - my bed.

Where I proceeded to cry some more, this time from sheer exhaustion (#14) Then, with her uncanny sense for when I need her, Karen - my "in case of emergency" person called. And though I ugly cried through much of our conversation, I started feeling calmer (#15) Another call from my friend Laura, who was just checking in to see how I was doing had me feeling grateful (#16) for these amazing, supportive people in my life. One final call from my Dad (again, just checking in to see how I was doing) and I was actually feeling a bit peaceful (#17) After a few more (but much calmer) tears, I'm feeling relieved (#18)

The past 5 days have been a blur, in part because keeping myself numb to emotion has made them easier to get through. But in order to move forward, I needed to feel all the feelings. My doctor's question was spot on - I have to deal with the emotional bruises along with the physical ones. Today was hard and exhausting, but it was a step forward.

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